Being able to write snippets of my experiences, thoughts, cares, and loves is hard when I feel my words will be twisted and used against me. Since I won’t be running for President anytime soon, I really should be able to express myself. However, it comes back to the fact that I have never really let anyone know what I was feeling or thinking. If you were a lucky one – in the time of my life of the experience – then you got front row tickets.
Lately, I have been contemplating all the “moments” I missed or misunderstood. Many moments passed me by or I’m playing catch-up now. I had a great conversation last week with my hubby – about the past. His past and my past. Given my state of “being” when we first met, I never could have had this conversation with him. This time my being was calm and collected and didn’t care what his “past” experiences included.
I wonder if it is a sign that I am growing up. I’m not sure why I’m afraid of growing up – maybe because I associate growing old with being useless. There’s significant evidence in our society today that shows that when people get older, everyone looks down on them – as if all of sudden they lost all their marbles and are now just plain dumb.
I also fear looking older. Will the wrinkles I eventually get be a sign that my life is now ending and will start to deteriorate? I always wonder at what point you realize you have joined the old crowd. You are a “them” and no longer an “us”.
Mentally, I can see my mind expanding and really looking at the world. I think and contemplate just a little more – instead of holding my nose and diving in feet first. Sometimes the anger I harbor inside gets to see the day of light but I’m learning to understand how the anger monster gets triggered. I have been clearer about my feelings but I still worry about what others may think.
It amazes me that Jimmy and I have been together 8 years. We will be married for 7 in December. This is my greatest accomplishment. But I can guesstimate that I wonder how he has put up with me for so long….Father’s Day was this past weekend and I can see that Jimmy knows he’s loved by both Mason and I. He doesn’t have that “remember me” expectation from us. Mason unconditionally loves her father. It’s something I have strived for – possibly because I lacked my father in my life. I want her to know him and him to know her and so it’s important that I stress their communication with each other.
Of course, Mason is daddy’s little girl and she loves Jimmy with all her might. She shadows him, speaks like him, acts like him, and so it’s easy to help that bond along. I can’t help to giggle when I notice Mason has some my traits.
